Some days I think the Mommy part of my job description is the hardest, other days the Social Worker seems daunting.  Then there are days when the two collide and leave me broken wide open.  This past weekend was one of those times.

    Friday I was in full on Mommy mode.  Hunter was home and we were preparing to go out of town for Christmas with my Dad's family.  I was busy packing and running errands.  Somewhere in the day I looked at my Twitter feed and commented almost casually to Hunter "there has been another school shooting."  Then we finished our errands and went to pick up our oldest son from school and hit the road.  For the first time all day I was able to see the details of the massacre at Sandy Hook Elementary School.
 My heart broke with each detail I read.  As a Mom I thought back to Robert's casual announcement a few weeks ago they'd had an "intruder drill" where they hid behind things. At the time I was a little shocked they practiced such things, but now I couldn't stop thinking about it.  Wondering if those poor children had practiced the same thing with their brave teachers.
       As a social worker I thought of all the hurting people young and old who manage to inflict their pain on others.  And how hard we work to prevent that from happening, and how often we fail.  I want to say we need more regulation on gun ownership I want to preach about the benefits of early and meaningful mental health treatment.  But the sad truth is sick people do sick things all the time.
     I carefully shared the major points of the situation with Robert, he was going to hear it and I wanted to control the information.  He asked me "Did they go into lockdown?'  When did that become something my nine year old knows about and understands?
     Bedtime in the hotel came quickly and exhausted we all slept preparing for our Christmas party the next day.  When I woke I had several messages from the crisis group I contract for.  Another shooting, this one in Birmingham, at St Vincent's. Birmingham- my hometown.  My Dad worked for years at St. Vincent's- I've been there more times than I can count.  Three people shot, the gunman dead. Could I go?  Could I not go? Social worker/mommy.  Our party was quieter than usual.  My cousin left for Afghanistan the day before, my aunt passed away this year and her absence was felt. But still we corralled children and ate dressing and sang Christmas carols.
    On the way home Hunter dropped me off at St. Vincent's to make rounds with chaplains, to do what I could.  As we pulled up to the ER entrance there were police cars and news reporters.  Robert seemed anxious and questioned again what I was doing and why..the mommy and the social worker were both working overtime.  Hunter wrangled all three tired cranky boys through the zoolight safari while I roamed the mostly empty hallways of the hospital, looking at bullet holes and listening to stories of near misses and doing a whole lot of waiting around to wait some more.  I spent most of that time thinking about how quickly life goes from being an ordinary day to a day that marks your life as before and after.  I've born witness to many of those pivotal days as a social worker.  I hope I don't as a mommy.
    It is so hard to reconcile the world I hope for my children, and the one we are given.  Hunter reminds me that there is so much beauty and good around us if we only look for it.  I know he is right, but this weekend the Mommy in me just wants to cry and hold my babies close.  The Social Worker just wants to hold everyone's babies close and sit with those who cry.  That's what being a social worker/mommy is about sometimes.

Spooky frogs and Presidential elections

Yesterday on our drive to school, Robert moved me to tears by quoting Dr. King's Letter from a  Birmingham Jail.  Urged on to social justice and feeling a wee bit proud of myself (social worker/mommy I got that s*** on lock)..I voted my conscience and then went to take communion to bring a sense of balance to my otherwise crazy world.

 This morning I was disheartened by the crazies on Facebook and just in general (why I don't know) and so I turned to my little 9 year old sage to get a good FB post and shut up all the crazies for his perspective.  After all, I am a social worker trained to make people talk about their feelings, right? And I have clearly raised a deep thinker.  So here are Robert's thoughts on the election, unedited. Prepare to be dazzled:

"why are you asking me so many questions?  Did you know that in Alaska it can be like negative 30 degrees and they still have to go to school?  Can I finish my rubber band ball? Hey Ethan, I am a spooky frog "BLEHHHH".

Still hoping for a gem I turned to the "speech" he had to write last night for his homework assignment.

"Being President is a lot of responsibility.  I can not be vain.  I hope I am a howling success."  Turns out those are his spelling words and he had to use as many of them as he could, there are 20 he used three. And one of them is howling..

My children never fail to give me perspective and burst my little bubble of pride.

New website is up www.swsprattville.com  pass it on.

Eleven years ago we watched the world change before our eyes.  Things that seemed safe and normal, would never seem so again.  Less than two weeks later I was in NYC talking with those affected by these horrible attacks.  It remains one of the most profound and rewarding experiences I've had in my professional life.  Thinking of all we lost and how our lives are different, but also how we are all connected.  The boys and I always do something for our local first responders on 9/11.  How do you and your family remember this date?

Family Reunion

I spent the past weekend in Birmingham at a family reunion.  We are not your typical family and so our reunions  never typical. I know its impolite to brag but indulge me for a moment and let me tell you about my remarkable family.

There's my sister, she is a pediatrician.  She spends her days treating children with few other resources.  But on her day off she looked in my youngest son's ears and treated another one of our reunion guest's daughter.   And my little brother Ray is a brilliant business man but he feels called to do something different, something higher, and so he is in seminary.  My big sister Andrea is just what you want in a big sister always protective, and a little bossy.  I am so proud to stand beside her in our chosen profession, she spends her time at work making the world safer for children who need it.  And she is raising such a handsome little gentleman.  Another sister is funny and has a beautiful singing voice, she writes, does a little of everything really.  I haven't met her girlfriend yet, but she must be special to be with her.  One of my brothers lives in LA and is an actor.

  If you are lucky you have a brother or a sister who knows and loves you through all of your awkward phases and beyond.  If you are really lucky you have a good friend who has been through those highs and lows with you as well.  I don't know what you call us. We are not connected by blood but by time and experiences. A tribe? When we are together I feel at  home, no matter where we are.

When I joined the tribe I felt safe, I knew it was okay to be different.  Thirty years later I still feel the same way.   Childhood can be a treacherous time, but the people who share your scars are the ones you still call friends a lifetime later.   When I confronted a grown up bully in my own life, guess who was still there and holding my hand? The people from my tribe, my protectors. 

 It wouldn't be fair or even accurate to say we were "color blind"  If anything we celebrate our differences.   As children we didn't know it mattered, as adults we recognize that this diversity is what makes us who we are as individuals and as a tribe.  Religious, non religious, gay, straight, black, white, Asian, all the children of the world are part of our family.

I am so grateful to be part of my little tribe.  And this past weekend we gathered for our family reunion.  We showed off our babies, the next members of our tribe.  We laughed in the way you only can with your family..which is loudly and without a moment's hesitation at yourself and with everyone else.  A lot can happen in almost thirty years marriages end, people die and so we shed a few tears as well.  But mostly we just enjoyed being together.  Here is our family portrait

I joined this family in fourth grade.  Tomorrow my son starts fourth grade, I hope in 30 years he is hanging with his family.  

Mental Status Exam for Social Worker Mommy

SWM is a middle aged  young and vibrant 40 yr old white female who currently resides with her husband and 3 hellions boys.  Client's appearance, grooming and hygiene were abnormal as she states she hasn't showered in three days (longer since she shaved her legs).  Although oriented to person and place she seemed confused regarding the time and spoke only of nap times, bed times, and meal times..actual hours on the clock seemed to hold little meaning for her.
SWM's thinking and perception were within normal limits, although at times she appeared hypervigilant regarding germs using hand sanitizer excessively and offering baby wipes to everyone in the office.  All the while she was muttering "not one more cold this year, cannot take one more cold."   SWM's speech was inappropriately sing songy and at times she was given to making exclamations that were inappropriate to the setting- pointing out shiny cars or repeating "Use gentle hands."  
SWM complains of interrupted sleep patterns, abnormal eating patterns (only little debbie cakes and chicken nuggets in last 36 hours),  


Recommend girl's night out immediately.  Place SWM on 72 hour hold in a spa/quiet room.  

Happy Happy Joy Joy

I was thinking earlier today about the difference between happiness and joy.  Happy is a temporary state, life happens and happiness is often a short term casualty of it.   Joy is not dependent on circumstances. When I think of joy, I think of my sweet baby Andrew.

You know how people call babies "bundles of joy"?  I used to think that referred to how their parents felt, but Andrew is literally his own little bundle of joy.  He laughs and smiles and giggles constantly, even in his sleep sometimes.  I once heard someone say that a surprise is something you didn't know wanted until you had it- and that is Andrew.  I could never have imagined how much joy he would bring to our family.  He is growing so quickly (3 teeth and trying to crawl already?!) and every day every moment we are richer for it.  That is joy, I may not always be happy when I am changing my umpteenth diaper of the dayor up in the middle of the night but there is always joy.

A letter to my boys

About this time last year I was wondering what life with three boys would be like. It is louder and more chaotic than I guessed, but it is also more of an adventure than I guessed it would be. When we go anywhere with all three I get more comments than you might imagine.. a lot of "You have your hands full" and "you must be exhausted." I didn't know having a family of five would make us a poor man's Duggars. Also sometimes infuriatingly (and in front of the kids) people ask are you going to try again for a girl? As if having boys is like second prize. Honestly, Hunter and I were both a little relieved to have another boy- having a girl would have felt like we were truly "starting over." Although dressing a little girl up and taking her to dance recitals would be fun, is there anything more fraught with angst and drama than a mother daughter relationship? Not in my experience..so I am perfectly happy to be outmanned.

There a some things I want to be sure all of the boys know- so here goes:

1) First, big boys and real men do cry. Also, I want to be sure all of you know how to express all of your feelings for better or worse. But on the days you can't and you just need to hit something or hide away in your room I will try to respect that just as much. When you have a hard time dealing with something in your life, there are always people who can help you make better decisions. I should know-its what I do for a living, don't be afraid to ask for help.

2) Your energy seems boundless, I know its hard to sit still in church and in school and anywhere for 5 minutes, I am working on being patient with you.

3) Someday in the not too distant future (God help me) some little Jezebel in strawberry lipsmackers and an I-Carly tshirt is going to steal your heart away from me. I will no longer be Miss America and Madame Curie all rolled into one..when that happens I will do my best not to judge her too harshly. When she breaks your heart, I promise to be there for you and remember that your first love is often the most exquisite and soul crushing one you'll ever have.

4) The likelihood of your getting a shiny new car/truck for your sixteenth birthday is pretty much zero. I have seen how you ride your bike and scooter and Cozy Coupe and a fast new car could be lethal. I am thinking a grocery getter that will only go 40 miles an hour seems prudent.

5) It is okay to be smart, it doesn't mean you can't like sports too- you can and you will but don't try to act dumb. Girls think smart guys are cool.

6) I want you to know how much I love and respect your father. I love all three of you so much it takes my breath away- but your Daddy was and is my first true love and if it weren't for him there'd be no you and no family...One day when and if you decide to have a family of your own you'll understand.

7) I want you to confide in me, but I'm not your best friend. I will always love you but I am not always going to agree with you- because I'm your parent.

8) Be nice to your brothers, when you are grown ups stay in touch. Let go of any petty disagreements you have left over from being kids and remember they know you better than anyone else on the planet. I love to see you playing together even now, it makes me so happy to know you'll always have each other to lean on. Your Dad and I fought long and hard to make sure we had more than one child for that very reason, so stick together.

9) I want you to have a strong faith- it will sustain you when nothing else does. Always be willing to have faith and ask questions so your faith will grow with you.

10) Before you leave my house to be on your own you I will make sure you know how to do your own laundry, make a decent pasta meal and sew on a button. Its just common sense.